| In DVD Player's preferences, under "Player," make sure "Start playing disc" is unchecked. Also, beside "When a disc is inserted" uncheck "Start Playing disc."
Also, in System Preferences, under "CDs & DVDs," setting "When you insert a blank DVD" to "Ignore" may help.
As for the ejecting drive when DVD Player quits, that may be something that an AppleScript can accomplish or remedy, but I'm not sure.
I hope that helps!
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