Obviously, I have too much time on my hands

[Rhisiart]

The inventive language created by doctors the world over to insult their patients - or each other - is in danger of becoming extinct. Dr Adam Fox, who works at St Mary's Hospital in London, says that far fewer doctors now annotate notes with acronyms designed to spell out the unsayable truth about their patients.

Top medical acronyms

• CTD - Circling the Drain (a patient expected to die soon)
• GLM - Good looking Mum
• GPO - Good for Parts Only
• TEETH - Tried Everything Else, Try Homeopathy
• UBI - Unexplained Beer Injury
• LOBNH - Lights On But Nobody Home
• CNS-QNS - Central Nervous System - Quantity Not Sufficient

Top medical sayings

• Digging for Worms - varicose vein surgery
• Departure Lounge - elderly ward
• Pumpkin Positive - refers to the implication that a penlight shone into the patient's mouth would encounter a brain so small that the whole head would light up
• Handbag Positive - confused patient (usually elderly lady) lying on hospital bed clutching handbag
• Tissuectomy - constantly having to remove a tissue or handkerchief from the elderly lady's other hand
• Dirt Bag Index - multiply the number of tattoos with the number of missing teeth to give an estimate of the number of days since the patient last bathed

The increasing rate of litigation means that there is a far higher chance that doctors will be asked in court to explain the exact meaning of NFN (Normal for Norfolk) or FLK (Funny looking kid).

Dr Fox recounts the tale of one doctor who had scribbled TTFO - an expletive expression roughly translated as "Told To Go Away" - on a patient's notes. Apparently he said: "This guy was asked by the judge what the acronym meant, and luckily for him he had the presence of mind to say: 'To take fluids orally'."

And much of the slang is directed at colleagues rather than patients. Thus rheumatology, considered by hard-pressed juniors one of the less busy specialties, becomes "rheumaholiday", the "Freud Squad" are psychiatrists, and "Gassers" and "Slashers" are anaesthetists and general surgeons respectively.

Dr Fox is keen to point out that neither he, nor the other authors of the paper, published in the journal Ethics and Behavior, actually advocate using any of the terms. He simply says: "It's a form of communication, and it needs to be recorded.

[pds]

Reminds me of my time as a shoe salesman with Willy Yaselow,

PIA - of course
34 (three four) - A PIA that will waste your time but never buy
68 - a double barreled 3 4
Rodney - a fox had entered the store
One eleven - a guy who would spend a bundle if you took care of him - usually good for two pair of anything that fit.

Yes, too much time on your hands

[Just_Kris]

check out House of God! Its full of acronyms. Here are some of my favorites, both from the book as well as others:

Gomer = get out of my ER
DFO = done fell out (handy for those who pass out at sight of needles)
LGFD = looks good from door

[chevy]

Finaly I understand what the doctor said when he called my Pumpkin positive !

[Rhisiart]

More....

Adminosphere
The pleasantly decorated and furnished palatial offices of hospital management.

Administrivia
The flurry of pointless emails and paperwork that emanate from the adminosphere.

Blamestorming
A session of mutual recrimination during which a multidisciplinary team attempts to apportion blame for some particularly egregious error.

Seagull Session
Someone above you enters a meeting, craps over everyone and leaves quickly.

404 moment
The point in a ward round when-despite all efforts to look through the notes or access electronic systems, a particular result cannot be located. (From the world wide web error message "404 document not found.").

Techno biscuits/cookies
E, ecstasy, or methylenedioxymethamphetamine (MDMA) - a class A drug under the Misuse of Drugs Act 1971. Commonly used as a recreational drug by clubbers. An emergency doctor might say: "The man in cubicle 3 looks like he’s taken one too many techno biscuits."

Father Jack
The confused, usually elderly patient whose constant high pitched verbal ejaculation and attempts to get out of bed are responsible for insomnia on wards. (From a character in the television series Father Ted, who would sit in the corner of a room shouting "Drink," "Feck," "Arse," etc.).

Fonzie
A middle grade doctor seemingly unflappable in any medical emergency. Based on the character Arthur "Fonzie" Fonzarelli from the American sitcom Happy Days. The allusion is to a conversation in the final scene of the Quentin Tarantino film Pulp Fiction:
Yolanda: You don’t hurt him!
Jules: Nobody’s gonna hurt anybody. We’re gonna be like three little Fonzies here. And what’s Fonzie like? Come on, Yolanda! What’s Fonzie like?
Yolanda: Cool?
Jules: What?
Yolanda: He’s cool.
Jules: Correctamundo! And that’s what we’re gonna be. We’re gonna be cool.

Gerifix
A combination of broad spectrum antibiotics, thiazide diuretics, and nebulised bronchodilators (with or without corticosteroids) prescribed to elderly patients admitted to UK hospitals between October and March.

FUUO
Acronym usually attributed to sick elderly patients unable to communicate with fever, respiratory difficulties, normal chest X-ray, and urinary abnormalities, corresponding to Fever of Upper Respiratory or Urinary Origin. These patients are usually treated with Gerifix.

Hasselhoff
A patient presenting to accident and emergency with an injury with a bizarre explanation. (After the former Baywatch actor David Hasselhoff, who suffered a freak injury when he hit his head on a chandelier while shaving. The broken glass severed four tendons as well as an artery in his right arm, which required immediate surgery.4)

Buzz Lightyear or AWTB (Away with the birds)
Confused patient.

Supratentorially Challenged
Dim patient.

It’s like . . .
The opening words of every medical or nursing student sentence. Just ignore.

Jack Bauer
A doctor still up and working after 24 hours on the job—now something of a rarity but will be recognised by older clinicians. Usually a bit tetchy:
Colleague: Going for lunch, Jack?
JB: (shouts) "THERE ISN’T TIME!"
[From the lead character in the television series 24]

Empho-Tilt
The lateral movement of the head to an angle of 45° to the vertical by a nurse. It is intended to convey sympathy and understanding.

Ringo
Expendable member of a team. After Ringo Starr, drummer with the Beatles. John, Paul, and George went on to successful solo careers. Ringo did the voiceover for Thomas the Tank Engine.

Search and Rescue
The medical middle grader allocated to look after the patients dotted in non-medical wards.

Testiculation
The holding forth with expressive hand gestures by a consultant on a subject on which he or she has little knowledge (concatenation of testicle and gesticulate).

Ward 101
The source of referrals that fills the recipient with dread (from room 101, which contained all the deepest fears of the protagonist in George Orwell’s novel 1984).

and my favourite .....

Kaiser Soze
The registrar (usually surgical) who has an uncanny ability to disappear when the day's work needs to be done. They will invariably not answer bleeps or phone calls. From the cult movie 'The Usual Suspects'. Verbal Kint (of the Kaiser): "...and like that...(click of the fingers) He was gone"

[reed]

WOW! This is amazing. Where do guys find this stuff? All I know is DOA...Dead On Arrival because the medics were OTL...Out To Lunch.

[Rhisiart]

Actually reed, it's the other way round these days. The paramedics are either dead or injured because their clients are OTL.

[reed]

Yes, indeed rhisiart. Your right about that.
I live next to a Firehouse (Sappeur Pompier)...good friends there and I have a buddy who is a paramedic. High risk. Great folks.
Famous true doc story: Lady looses her baby at birth. Doc anouncing the news: "do you have other children madam?" (mother nods yes) "I'm glad because this one is a dudd." Now, that's OTL.