Film Critics

[Rhisiart]

I regularly review movies on Amazon (UK) - ‘Jones the Film’ is my handle. I’m quite sure I’m pretty crap at it, but it nicely wastes time instead of undertaking laborious research.

Here are some reviews that I have come across. I think they are priceless (in a condescending sort of way):

This is an appalling record. Somewhere along the line Dylan forgot how to write lyrics. (Review on Highway 61).

If you’re going to make such an excellent documentary, why make it about a band that nobody has ever heard of? (Review of Spinal Tap).

Too nautical for me. (Review of Moby Dick)

The wort movie ive ever seen. I mean they colorized once color tv came out and there special effects are lame. the costumes are ugly and props are ugly so never buy this film. (Review of The Wizard of Oz).

This is not the Beach Boys. It can’t be. Why? No beach songs! (Review of The Beach Boys).

What do people see in this film? I am not one for horror films, thought I do like this alien stuff. Nothing happens in the film. Nothing. We spend most of the time waiting and waiting for something to happen. This movie could have been cut to half an hour easy. (Review of Alien).

The escape though the sewer is an obvious symbol for an*l se*. (Review of The Shawshank Redemption).

My teacher always talks about the Beatles but they have no lyrical skills. My cousin Rodney is a better songwriter them these clowns. I think they should remix these songs with 50 Cent or Snoop, then they’d really get some fans behind them. (Review of Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band).

And my favourite...

The 80s produced some great artists like Rick Astley, Milli Vanilli, Culture Club etc. Then this horrible Smiths abomination comes along and makes this cringe-inducing album (Review of The Queen is Dead by The Smiths).

[fryke]

Glorious, but I guess it's mostly teens without much cultural experience writing such reviews... Although the Moby Dick one certainly could simply be a prank of some kind. (It's short enough, at least.)

[Doctor X]

"This is not a book to be tossed aside lightly but thrown with great force."

--Dorothy Parker

"Your work is both original and great. Unfortunately, that which is great is not original, and that which is original is not great."

--attrib. Samuel Johnson

"Wagner's music is better than it sounds."

--Mark Twain.

Though that last one may be by Samuel Clemens.

--J.D.

[Rhisiart]

Like the tourist that questioned why the Queen of England would choose a home (Windsor Castle) right under Heathrow Airport's flight path.

[reed]

"All beef but dead from the neck up" Classic review in the NY Times TV section for one of the cheap Hercules films with Steve Reeves.