Journal

If you really feel that way - that there isn't anything you can do about it and that you always need help to figure things out I would recommend going to see a counselor at your school, they know what they are talking about and even if they can't help you they can probably put you in touch with an organization that provides help for students. But start with the resources there are at your school, and find someone to talk to this about who isn't just some guy on the internet.
 
I've tried. I went to talk to a counselor last year, but he started talking about random stuff that didn't make sense to me and really didn't help at all. It felt pointless to me. And like I said, people tend not to like me at all.
 
You don't suck: you've got a nice website and portfolio and a good feeling for design. There certainly are things you are good at doing, but maybe they don't get appreciated the way you would like, just like yourself. At school there certainly must be subject you like or are good at: try to find the maximum overlap and be proud of your achievements there. It's what I did, I happened to like philosophy and get good grades in it, while I completely sucked at math ... and greek and latin and ... but I digress ... so after school I went to study philosophy and am perfectly happy with it. Try to find something like that. Do you want to become a designer? A big, succesfull, well-paid designer? Well, try to move in that direction also at school ... clearly it is something you enjoy and will make related activities more enjoyable.
Talk to people that are close to you. Your mom and dad certainly will listen to you and try to give good advice if you go to them with a serious question. You're 17, you're grown up, they shouldn't talk down to you but be straight. If it bothers you talk to them about their divorce. You are lucky to still have your parents, my father died when I was your age.
It's not as if everybody can like you, the important thing is YOU like you. Why don't you like yourself? If you like yourself and can be proud of your life, then others will take notice. Try to win the friendship and esteem of people that are important to you: your parents, your brother, your closest friends. But remember: you are the one that has to give value to your life, others can't do that. It's just like learning to walk: you ever did that before as a baby and it is hard, however, others are there to catch you if you fall, but you are the one that has to take those steps. Move on! Think about what you would like to be able to tell you grandchildren about you. I can see it: "When I was young, oh it was in the early years of 2000, we still had external computer then, there was this program I liked ... and I liked it so much that I branded myself .. *chuckle chukcle* ... *cough cough*" well, what else would you like to tell them?
Don't trust the advice of books too much, it's the Meaning of Life, the Universe and Everything we're talking about and there's no book with all the answers to that. it's like Jazz, if someone has to teach you to get it, then you'll never learn.
It's not the victories themselves that count, but HOW you win or loose. Right now you've got a negative attitude and everything seems to go bad. Count your blessings: you still haven't to fill out tax forms ...
If it is of comfort to you, I think a lot of people on this forum respect you and like you, me included. We all did stupid things when we were younger and we all had our depressing periods. Hell, when I was younger and a lot dumber I cut the initials of the girl I liked into my arm. That is a lot worse than what you did (brianleahy will scold me now I fear ...)!
Giving advice is almost as dangerous as taking it, but I hope I can be of some help ... and keep up the Journal, I think it is a good idea to write it all off and see how the world at large reacts.
 
Thanks for your input Cat. And thanks for the time you put into it (it seems like a bit). I go into today with what you said in mind.
 
Trip, you need to do one of two things:

  1. Learn to love yourself and love every moment of every day, even if everything's going wrong, for at least you still have your life. Remember (and I've told you this before), there is no situation so bad it can't get better, eventually.
  2. Figure out how to apply yourself and succeed at what you attempt, especially school. Contests are one thing; either you win or you don't, and there's not a lot you can do except your best and hope for the best. But school you can definitely apply yourself to; you should make a goal for yourself (you're a junior, right? So you've got another year) to get all passing grades (not necessarily straight A's, or even A's or B's, but at least pass everything you take) by the time you graduate. If you work hard, I'm sure you can make it.

The best thing to do would be to shoot for both, but even if you only achieve one you'll be much better off. I, for one, am always in the first category even if the second flounders. Even if I don't do well at something, I know that I'm still the best person I can be and there are other areas I can excel at. And, if I get pissed off (and I'm at home), I can always go bang some heads with sticks. (And I mean my drums, of course. ;)) So you should try to figure out how to vent in a violent yet nondestructive way, like see how far you can throw stuff in a field or something off the wall like that. And always remember that what matters the most is what you think of yourself; in fact, that's 99% of what matters. Everybody else (and yes, I mean all 6 billion people in the world; partition as you see fit) adds up to only a small part of whose opinions really matter.

Once you graduate, you should probably move away from Provo. From the sounds of it, I doubt you'd miss it very much. I'd recommend coming here and going to Modesto JC; it's a great school, it doesn't cost very much (compared to regular 4-year collegs), and you're sure to find a group that will accept you the way you are. Sure, it can get boring sometimes, but you'll always find something to do if you look hard enough.

Oh, and about the dating issue, don't worry about it too much. I'm pretty much in the same boat as you: I've gone out with a couple girls, but that didn't go very far. But it doesn't matter, really, because there's someone for everyone, and you'll know it when you find her. Just because you have stuff in common with a girl doesn't mean you should obsess over her, or even pay attention to her; you have a lot in common with chimpanzees, but do you want to date one? ;)

I'm sure if you and I knew each other in person we'd be great friends. In fact, I hope that happens some day. And don't worry, I won't steal your money. :)

P.S. Change your title, dude! Your situation will never get better unless you make an effort to change it. And, in the words of Morpheus, we can only show you the door; you have to walk through it.
 
Hey man,
Wow, what can I say. Ok, from the beginning. I don't really know you. I live on the other side of the planet (in the UK), but I've read your posts and you seem like a caring, pleasant person. If it randomly turned out we lived down the street from one another then I'd be dragging you out for a drink and a chat about now. So don't despair, your are clearly liked by the people here, (look at the volume of replied to your various posts about branding etc). This WILL translate into being liked by people around you, just takes some time and effort.

When I was your age i was in very much the same position (this wasn't that long ago, I'm just a hair under 22 now). Few friends, separated parents, didn't get on with anyone at school, little to no experience with women. Its a real depressing place to be, but its cos you are stuck in this artificial and extremely bitchy world that is school. Kids can be (and often are) unpleasant, uncaring and cruel, but there is more to the world than them.

I found it impossible to define yourself by the people around me at school, so i went and found other people to hang out with in the world at large. I had friends aged 14-40 out of school, people who really cared about me, and liked me for ME, not for my high school social status. Ok, so being at school still was no fun, i was not popular, but it didn't matter so much because I had my own thing going on. I found that it was easier to make friends in other places, particularly older people, because if they liked you, then they liked you. You didn't have to worry so much about the 'talking behind your back' dishonesty thing. They don't have to see you unless they want to, so when they do you know they really mean it. I understand perfectly what you mean by 'friends' you talk to at school. Its not quite the real thing, but don't dismiss them out of hand, if you can become more confident then you may find some of them become proper friends later (some did for me.).

I would really avoid books about how to make friends or get girlfriends. They are no substitute for being honest and being yourself. What you need to do is find a way to be happy with yourself, to be able to generate self confidence from the inside rather than in reference to what other people think. This is a tough one but is achievable, many of my friends (and me) have been through this at some time.
If you want to read a book to make you feel better, try the Tao Te Ching (sometimes called the Dao de Ching), on amazon here (NB it has to be the Richard Wilhelm translation, is by far the best) or as an introduction to the ideas, try The Tao of Pooh, an introduction to the ideas using Winnie the Pooh, is brilliant. These are not a way of getting into any sort of religion, Its just a bunch of advice from a really smart guy living in china 1500 years ago (more info here ). It contains some really special and comforting ideas which helped me and many of my friends get through these tough times.

Like others have said, you need to meet a bunch of new people for things to improve. I hear what you are saying about finding it difficult to join groups, whatever, but there are other options. Maybe you could get a job somewhere? I'm not sure how the laws are over there, but bar/restaurant jobs are in my opinion the best. You get to meet people of all ages, who will hopefully decide whether they like you based on what they see, not your teen social standing. If you work hard, people will respect you for it, you'll find yourself socializing with these people, and are likely to make a bunch of friends.

If the people at school are unpleasant to you, don't give you a chance, then forget them for now. I think most people on this forum would agree that they don't know what they are talking about. If you can find other social spaces, then they people at school will work it it in the end. There is little more satisfying thats being a bunch of people from your school walk in to a hip, funky cafe/bar/club where you've been a regular with you new mates for ages, and them going "what are you doing here" to which you can rightly answer: "no, what are YOU doing here". It happened to me a bunch of times and the fun never wore off.

Also, on the women issue, of the many people i knew in your position at 17, all have now discovered the wonders of the fairer sex and been in proper relationships with special people who care about them. It will come, but only when you relax about it. getting to stressed means you end up doing things you will regret later, even if they seem like a good idea at the time. I'm glad you were grounded enough to recognize the profession of love from the chemically altered girl you mention probably wasn't your the best way to start. Try to make friends with some cool women without expectation of it leading anywhere. It will make you more genuine and less stressed when you are around women in general, and benefit you when you do find the right person for you.

Failing all that, if you ever find yourself in the UK (I'm in london), let me know and i'll take you out with some of my friends, They are an eclectic bunch and they don't care how old/cool you are.

Good luck man
pm me or something if you want to talk more.

ora
 
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