# Jokes - thread (for saving your day)



## Giaguara (Oct 23, 2004)

Let's see if there is a need for a thread to save the bad days ...

JOKES - post funny ones (please no racism etc).

So, random stuff to start with that I can find in my mailboxes...

****

For windows troubleshooting or stress relieve http://www.inicia.es/de/Turbo_J/metelev1_01.swf 
Micropod http://www.mactechnews.de/user_images/galery/fullsize/sascha@mac.com_0_micropod.jpg
iChat flight http://xentar.com/wtf/im_fight.htm


----------



## Convert (Oct 23, 2004)

Ok sorry to be totally off topic, but do you work for Apple?


----------



## Giaguara (Oct 23, 2004)

Yes. And not just me.. some other posters here as well.


----------



## Convert (Oct 23, 2004)

Wow. For some really weird and silly reason I actually find that really cool. I've always admired Apple.


----------



## scruffy (Oct 24, 2004)

A policeman pulls Heisenberg over for speeding.

Cop: Do you know how fast you were going, sir?

Heisenberg: No, but I know exactly where I am.


----------



## DanTekGeek (Oct 24, 2004)

Hahahahahah! thats awesome! i wonder how many other people will get it.


----------



## markceltic (Oct 24, 2004)

Probably the folks familiar with physics will get a good belly laugh out of it.Hmmm or is it mathematics


----------



## DanTekGeek (Oct 24, 2004)

could be classified as either chemistry or quantum physics


----------



## Orbit (Oct 24, 2004)

the day microsoft makes something that doesent suck is the day they make vacume cleaners!


----------



## scruffy (Oct 25, 2004)

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are sharing a hotel room at a conference.  During the night, the curtain in their room catches fire from the heater.  The engineer is the first to smell the smoke and wake up.  He sees the fire, and then the ice bucket on the table by the bathroom.  He grabs the ice bucket, fills it with water, and pours the water on the curtain.  Satisfied that the fire is out, he goes back to sleep.

A few hours later, the coffee maker in the room has a short circuit, and sets the table on fire.  The physicist smells the smoke and wakes up.  He sees the fire, and then the ice bucket on the table by the bathroom.  He grabs the room service menu and a pencil from his bedside table, does some quick calculations, then fills a the ice bucket 1/3 full of water.  He unplugs the coffee maker, and puts out the fire with exactly the minimum amount of water.  Satisfied that the fire is out, he goes back to sleep.

An hour later, the heater sets the curtains on fire again.  The mathematician wakes up.  He sees the fire, and then the ice bucket on the table by the bathroom.  Satisfied that a solution exists, he goes back to sleep.


----------



## Canada-Man (Oct 25, 2004)

Found this one on the web:

On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the
coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the
Popemobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man, wearing a pinstriped Yankees jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot white shark.

As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three men wearing Boston Red Sox jerseys aboard. One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side. The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious Yankee fan from the water. Then using
(autographed Nomar) baseball bats, the three heroes in red beat the
shark to death and hauled it into the boat also.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there was some bitter hatred between Red Sox and Yankee fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not the truth."

As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies "Who was that?"

"It was the Pope," one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and
has access to all of God's wisdom."

"Well," the harpooner said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know sh*t about shark fishing... How's the bait holding up?"


----------



## tobiko (Oct 25, 2004)

HAHA to both.  The math one and the sox one GO SOX


----------



## Giaguara (Oct 25, 2004)

From Microsoft webpage...

The original picture is from Getty images, attached too. .


----------



## diablojota (Oct 25, 2004)

Ha!  that is definitely the first step in improving security.


----------



## beorning (Oct 25, 2004)

So how did Renée Descartes pass away?

It was closing time and the 'tender asked "one more for the road Renée?" to which Descartes answered "I think not." and he wasn't.


----------



## scruffy (Oct 25, 2004)

One night in Vienna, a moody young man (an afficionado of lace shirts, tight black trousers, and French brandy) was walking near a cemetery.

He was roused from his thoughts of unrequited love and carrion birds by the sound of strange and eerie music coming from the middle of the graveyard.  Curious, he approached the sound, which came and went on the wind.  It was a piano piece that was at once disconcertingly familiar, and unlike anything he had ever heard.

As he picked his way past the tombs (which were older and more moss-covered as he got nearer the music), he realized why the music was both so familiar and so strange - it was  backward.  It was the overture to the Marriage of Figaro, but it was being played backward, and very elegantly at that.

Just as he realized this, he rounded a mausoleum, and there in the centre of the cemetery, was Mozart, decomposing.


----------



## brianleahy (Oct 25, 2004)

An old one, which I have on a tee-shirt:

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

"Make Me One With Everything."


----------



## brianleahy (Oct 25, 2004)

Heavily censored dirty joke:

A huge, tough, mean looking biker enters a bar.  He sits in the middle of the bar and growls "Give me a whiskey!"  He slams down the drink, then turns to the six men at his left:

"You guys down there!  You're all [obscene insult]!!  You hear me?  Anyone got a problem with that?"

None of them says a word or moves a muscle.

"Another whiskey!" he roars.  The bartender quickly pours him another shot which he swallows in a flash.

Now he turns to the six men at his right and yells: "And you guys over there!  You're all [different obscene insult]!!  Anyone got a problem with that?!?"

For a moment nobody moves, then one of the six, a meek looking fellow, stands up and begins walking toward him.   

The biker grabs the meek guy by his collar and yells into his face "Hey!  You got a problem with what I said?"

"Oh no," the meek guy says.   "I'm just sitting at the wrong end of the bar."

(Not one naughty word folks!  Still, if you feel like you need to censor it, I understand...)


----------



## scruffy (Oct 26, 2004)

brianleahy said:
			
		

> An old one, which I have on a tee-shirt:
> 
> What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
> 
> "Make Me One With Everything."



The hotdog man gave the Buddhist his hotdog, and said "That'll be $1.50"

The Buddhist gave the hotdog man a twenty, which he wordlessly took and put in his cashbox.  After a moment the Buddhist said "Where's my change?"

The hotdog man replied "Change must come from within"


----------



## Satcomer (Oct 27, 2004)

Giaguara said:
			
		

> From Microsoft webpage...
> The original picture is from Getty images, attached too. .



I am just wondering if anyone can figure out what computer the lady in the Getty picture is using?


----------



## Prom83 (Oct 28, 2004)

scruffy said:
			
		

> An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are sharing a hotel room at a conference.  During the night, the curtain in their room catches fire from the heater.  The engineer is the first to smell the smoke and wake up.  He sees the fire, and then the ice bucket on the table by the bathroom.  He grabs the ice bucket, fills it with water, and pours the water on the curtain.  Satisfied that the fire is out, he goes back to sleep.
> 
> A few hours later, the coffee maker in the room has a short circuit, and sets the table on fire.  The physicist smells the smoke and wakes up.  He sees the fire, and then the ice bucket on the table by the bathroom.  He grabs the room service menu and a pencil from his bedside table, does some quick calculations, then fills a the ice bucket 1/3 full of water.  He unplugs the coffee maker, and puts out the fire with exactly the minimum amount of water.  Satisfied that the fire is out, he goes back to sleep.
> 
> An hour later, the heater sets the curtains on fire again.  The mathematician wakes up.  He sees the fire, and then the ice bucket on the table by the bathroom.  Satisfied that a solution exists, he goes back to sleep.




LMAO !!!!


----------



## Veljo (Oct 30, 2004)

Satcomer said:
			
		

> I am just wondering if anyone can figure out what computer the lady in the Getty picture is using?



iBook I presume.


----------



## mdnky (Oct 30, 2004)

Satcomer said:
			
		

> I am just wondering if anyone can figure out what computer the lady in the Getty picture is using?



Powerbook...just look at the ports (from screen to front):
* DVI
* S-Video
* E-Net
* FW800
* FW400
* USB2
* Security slot


----------



## mdnky (Oct 30, 2004)

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful ... CAREFUL!  Put in some more butter!  Oh my GOD!  You're cooking too many at once.  TOO MANY!  Turn them!  TURN THEM NOW!  We need more butter. Oh my GOD!  WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?  They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL!  I said be CAREFUL!  You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking!  Never!  Turn them!  Hurry up!  Are you CRAZY?  Have you LOST your mind?  Don't forget to salt them.  You know you always forget to salt them.  Use the salt.  USE THE SALT!  THE SALT!" 

The wife stared at him. "What the heck is wrong with you? You think I don't* know how to fry a couple of eggs? 

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving!"


----------



## brianleahy (Oct 30, 2004)

A young woman is met at the airport by her parents, who are excited at the prospect of meeting her new fiancee.  

As their daughter steps off the plane, they are stunned by the sight of the man on her arm - a towering shaman, resplendent in feathers and beads and a bone through his nose.

The girl's mother turns to her daughter and says "You idiot!!  I said 'a RICH doctor'!!"


----------



## mdnky (Oct 30, 2004)

A rich businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. 

"Welcome to the family," said the man. "I'm so happy, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations." 

The son-in-law interrupted. "Oh, um, I actually hate factories. Can't stand the noise." 

The father-in-law said, "Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations." 

"I hate office work, too" said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day." 

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?" 

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."


----------



## scruffy (Oct 30, 2004)

A young woman was backpacking in Ireland, and one day when she was staying in a small village, decided to go for a walk in the hills.  She set out, walked all morning, until she came to a small, beautiful fern-covered valley.  There she sat down to eat her lunch.

Suddenly a voice from underneath her called out "Begorah, ye've caught me!  Only get up off me and I'll let you have yer wish!"

She leapt to her feet in alarm, to find she had sat directly on a napping leprechaun.

"All right, I'd like a million bucks."

"Eh, lass?  Ye'll have to speak up, I'm a bit hard of hearing."

"GIVE ME A MILLION BUCKS."

"Done and done."

In a flash, the leprechaun was gone, and she was surrounded by ducks as far as she could see.  The ducks were startled to find themselves suddenly brought from their various ponds, and flew up in all directions.  Before long, she was sitting alone, covered in feathers and duck poop.  Some enterprising ducks had even eaten up her sandwiches.

After cleaning up as well as she could, and a considerably less pleasant walk back, she arrived, famished, at the village pub.  She went in, sat down, and ordered a big bowl of hot soup and a beer.

As she was waiting for her food, a tiny little man, no more than a foot and a half tall, came into the room from a cupboard under the stairs, clambered onto the piano bench, and began to play beautifully.

"I must be going mad" she said to the barman, "Earlier today, I thought I saw a leprechaun, then a million ducks ruined my jacket and stole my lunch, and now there's a man less than two feet tall playing the piano."

"Ah," said the barman, "you've met Deaf Kirk.  He's powerful in magic, but as deaf as a stone.  If you ever get a wish from him again, make sure to write it down."

"You've met him too?  Thank heaven, I though I was losing my mind."

"Oh yes.  You think I would have asked for an eighteen inch pianist?"


----------

