# Age differences and relations



## Giaguara (Jul 11, 2004)

Just curious... how much age difference do you have to your girl/boyfriend/wife/man/etc? How big age difference do you think is "normal", "ok", "acceptable" .. and what is not something acceptable? Of course every relation is person to person but .. what do you think, what do you have and what have you had (and did it work)?

As well, is it ok for the man to have a girl 10 or 20 years younger than him, but that situation be "not ok" if the woman is the older one? 

Where I grew up, the couples were generally of the same age, men being 2-10 years older. Of the friends of my parents, I think I can't really call a couple where the woman would have been the older. And among uncles etc, there were a few who had 20 years or more age difference. Those uncles with that big age difference to their wives seemed ok, the wives seemed just to be older than they really were, and no one seemed to judge their decision to be together. Man being the older one was the norm, so a 20 years younger wife seemed ok, but .. the wife being a year older seemed to be so rare.

Now .. it seems people are more used to diversity. Not only age, but as well people from cultures that would have been .. far more rare .. in many parts of Europe. A few friends of mine have had a boyfriend younger than them (not like 1-2 years but 8 or so), and the reason they split up was not caused by the age.

I have changed of what I was and thought years ago. I used to be for a long time with someone nearly 10 years older than me, and it seemed fine (as he had a big Peter Pan syndrome). Well - now this guy is getting closer to his 40 years, and is with someone half of his age. I think it is a bit .. much. But in this particular case it will work - untill she will be a bit older and grow up. When he'll probably go to someone younger again, just to avoid growing up.

For a short time I've frequented someone with even more ge difference, 13 or so years more than me. That felt just too much. Six year was something that seemed fine at the time. Now ... I'm noticing the people of my age think too old for my taste.   so 2 years seems pretty much ok now (he being the older one), but amazing .. I feel far less mature than I used to .. oh well. I'm feeling younger and younger, so I guess if I'll ever change again I'll prefer the younger ones..


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## markceltic (Jul 11, 2004)

Awhile ago I had a short relationship with a woman 10 years my junior.The issue of age never came up.During our time together we seemed to gel pretty good,but alas my personality was eventually determined not to be compatible with hers.(note:she uses windows) Now my sister has a husband who is 18 years older than she is, they get along like two peas in a pod.


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## Giaguara (Jul 11, 2004)

markceltic said:
			
		

> Awhile ago I had a short relationship with a woman 10 years my junior.The issue of age never came up.During our time together we seemed to gel pretty good,but alas my personality was eventually determined not to be compatible with hers.(*note:she uses windows*)



 heh... Yep. Mac users are a lot more satisfactory to date ...


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## delsoljb32 (Jul 11, 2004)

my last one was 5 years younger, though she was mentally much older than she was physically. in the end though, that seems to be the deciding factor, if you can relate to these people on a level that is compatible, then the physical age thing shouldnt be a problem. unless of course you have to take time off work cause your boyfriend/girlfriend needs a hip replacement or something. then its just weird.  


oh yeah, and i converted her to Mac!


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## Zammy-Sam (Jul 11, 2004)

my girlfriend is almost 3 years older and things worked fine for 5 years and surely will work even better in the future. We are going to move together. I tend to hang around with ppl that are 5 years or more older than me. Maybe that changed my way and fields of interest. However, it seems much harder for me to have a nice conversation with my friends from school. I think the fields of interest are the major compatibility "plug". Age doesn't matter at all, if you ask me.


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## Perseus (Jul 11, 2004)

One of my distant uncles is 20 years older than his wife, my other uncle is 10 years older...plus my friend's mom is 8 years older than her husband. Personally, I don't think it matters.  Whatever you are comfortable with, and one shouldn't really care about what others think.


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## Ricky (Jul 11, 2004)

My girlfriend is two months younger, and I agree 100% with what Perseus said.


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## nixgeek (Jul 11, 2004)

My wife and I met about 10 years ago (we've been married for 4 years).  I am turning 32 this year (December) and she's 26 (turns 27 in January of 2005).

When we first met, we met online (actually, on a BBS that the college I was attending hosted).  This was 10 years ago....sometime in January...and we actually met in person in November of that same year.  Do the math..   We actually met in person earlier than that (1993) from a mutual friend, but didn't realize it until one year later.

For the record, we didn't really get involved until she turned 18.  And it's been a rollercoaster ever since.   Just ask our son who will be 3 in a month.


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## lurk (Jul 11, 2004)

My wife is 2 years older than I am and I do still get the occasional joke about marring an "older woman".  Ha Ha.  I don't really think that it counts though as we are still so close in age that we were in the same (graduate level) crop at the university.

The fact that even such a small difference in age in that direction can be joked about that though does point to some deep forces at work.  If you think about the situation in purely biological terms a younger man marring an older woman is not very advantageous from the perspective of either one of them.


Older males tend to have higher status in the society and batter access to resources.  So it is better to marry an older man.
Older women have fewer reproductive years in front of them and higher risks associated with pregnancy in general.  Marrying a younger woman increases the number of children and their chances of survival. 

With that in mind the standard pattern as well as the "trophy wife" thing makes lots of sense to both parties.  It also makes sense that there are some social or biological pressures to discourage young male / older female pairings since objectively both are suboptimal mates.  Of course there are other factors that enter the matter so that is not to say that in individual cases the scales won't tip the other way.  

Another interesting aspect of these dynamics in relationships are the ways they influence patters of infidelity in relationships.  For instance from the female perspective it makes sense to marry the best provider you can for your children and then sneak off to gather the best genes elsewhere.  Of course from the male perspective it is not a good situation for you to spend you scarce resources raising a child that is not your own.  This is part of the reason that the reaction to female infidelity is so strong (in some cultures she is put to death) while it is not so strong in the case of male infidelity.  In the latter case the stakes are not so high.  An interesting aside to this is that one case of female infidelity that is not as strongly stigmatized is that of stereotypical late middle aged woman and the "pool boy".  In this case she is at the end of the reproductive phase of her life and there is little risk of her husband having to support a child he did not sire.  And heaven forbid she would never leave her husband to marry the pool boy.

Please don't read any moral judgments in to what I wrote above I did not intend there to be any (I just wanted to illustrate some of things).  This is just an interesting subject and it is fascinating to see how these somewhat indirect forces have shaped our lives over time.  It is also interesting to see how the power shifts that are the result of technological advancements over time fit in, everything from contraception and paternity tests to disposable cellphones with built in GPS enter the equation.

-Eric


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## mi5moav (Jul 11, 2004)

My grandfather is 91 and his second wife is now 58 they have been married for 21 years. But he's Hungarian so he'll probably dump her in the next few years for someone a bit younger.


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## TommyWillB (Jul 11, 2004)

My boyfriend is 13 years older than me. I used to say that being the youngest child of five kids, that I was more comfortable around more mature people. (Do the age differences in your relationships mirror being the oldest/youngest child?)

We've recently hit our 13th aniversary which means I'm now the age he was when we met. I don't really notice the age difference as much now as I did when I was only 21.

I guess there is a bigger difference between 18-28 than between 30-40.


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## TommyWillB (Jul 11, 2004)

mi5moav said:
			
		

> My grandfather is 91 and his second wife is now 58 they have been married for 21 years. But he's Hungarian so he'll probably dump her in the next few years for someone a bit younger.


My boyfriends grandparents got married when she was 16 and he was 21. 

*They've been married for 75 years!!!!*


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## mi5moav (Jul 11, 2004)

wow, i'm sure Bush loves paying out their social security


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## TommyWillB (Jul 11, 2004)

mi5moav said:
			
		

> wow, i'm sure Bush loves paying out their social security


lol Social Security barely even existed when they were working. Hell, they retired over 40 years ago! 

I'm sure they get something, but because it is based on earnings + SSI taxes paid I'm sure it is very little.


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## lurk (Jul 11, 2004)

TommyWillB said:
			
		

> My boyfriend is 13 years older than me... We've recently hit our 13th aniversary... I guess there is a bigger difference between 18-28 than between 30-40.



Dang it man get hitched!   All politics aside isn't the violence done to the English language by forcing 40 year olds to refer to their boy/girlfriends of 13 years enough to justify gay marriage!  Come on think of the syllables...

-Eric


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## TommyWillB (Jul 11, 2004)

lurk said:
			
		

> Dang it man get hitched!   All politics aside isn't the violence done to the English language by forcing 40 year olds to refer to their boy/girlfriends of 13 years enough to justify gay marriage!  Come on think of the syllables...
> 
> -Eric


I don't want to veer too far off the topic of this thread... but as I've said before, the day US federal law allows this is the day we'll do it!

I've got my fingers crossed that this will happen by our 15th anniversary  ... but I also was confident that we'd be getting married in Hawaii for our 5th!


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## Perseus (Jul 11, 2004)

I guess this is not the thread for it, but I feel like saying something. Lurk brought up the topic of infidelity. (And I know it was mentioned you were not trying to bring up any moral issues, thats fine.) I am just bothered how much it seems to me that infidelity is so rampant, and its happening way too often, to the point its almost tolerated. It bothers me, thankfully its not destroying my relationship with my girlfriend. But every time I hear of it, it makes me mad. Almost makes me want to live the single life. This was not meant to be a vent, maybe indirectly it was...I just needed a place to say what I felt on this manner...I did not mean to harm anyone here, tell me if I did. I guess my view on relationships is old fashioned, or too conservative. I just dont see why one should consider infidelity and cheating as something that may happen when entering a relationship in the first place. What is breeding this lack of commitment?


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## Ricky (Jul 12, 2004)

TommyWillB said:
			
		

> My boyfriends grandparents got married when she was 16 and he was 21.
> 
> *They've been married for 75 years!!!!*


"'Till death do you part" actually meant something to them, apparently.


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## chevy (Jul 12, 2004)

I still have some road to drive apparently... we are married for 20 years this year


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## macavenger (Jul 12, 2004)

I am three years older than my Fiance. I think when it comes to what is allowable, though, of more importance than the absolute age difference, is the relative age difference. For instance, it would just be wrong for an 18 year old to be dating an eight year old on a number of levels.  Even, say, a twenty eight year old dating an eighteen year old seems a little off to me. But a sixty year old with a fifty year old would be just fine. Ten years age gap in all cases, but in some it would be ok, and in others not. I can't say where I would draw the line, though.


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## RacerX (Jul 12, 2004)

Giaguara said:
			
		

> As well, is it ok for the man to have a girl 10 or 20 years younger than him, but that situation be "not ok" if the woman is the older one?



Well, my experiences are pretty far from the norm, but since you asked...

I met my first wife when I was 16. She (at the time) was 26 and a teacher at my high school. We were friends first, then more than friends... made high school interesting, that is for sure.

When I graduated we moved in together. We lived together for about a year and a half before getting married. We stayed married for 9 years (I was 29 when we separated).

I was happy during that time, and I would classify the relationship as both happy and successful for all but the last year of it. There were quite a few reasons for the end, but the root cause in retrospect was in fact the age difference. She had reached a point of being very insecure with who she was and how old she was... specially in relation to my age. I imagine that my age kept me unaware of her mid-life crisis, so I was constantly treating the symptoms rather than addressing the issue.

As I am now close to the age she was then, I'm not all that sure that I would have spotted the problems even if I was older. I don't seem to be facing the same crisis of age that she did.

I am currently remarried to a wonderful woman who is two years younger than me. This just happen to be the person I fell in love with. I dated a broad range of women when single (up to 12 years older than me in one case). So it wasn't like I was looking for a distinct age range when I found my wife.

As I would consider the way my ex-wife reacted out side the norm... and it was out side the norm for her too at the time, I don't think I would hold up the end of my first marriage as a case study in any respect. Every body is different and is going to react differently. The age difference may have been the cause, but it's foundation was an insecurity that could have ended the marriage even without the age difference.


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## Giaguara (Jul 13, 2004)

Wow. 

Lots of different age stories ... Well well. Age is a number and it matters more how you use your age than what it is. 

I guess it is weird that earlier it didn't bother me so much if the guy was older than me (say 6-9 y older). I enjoyed them being a bit older. Maybe now my Peter Pan syndrome is getting simply worse ... and I guess, if I was free, I would not be shocked if I liked someone even 10 years younger than me now. But I trust people when in love, and I don't want to bug around doing wrong things so it all has to be no more than a thought.


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## chevy (Jul 13, 2004)

RacerX, I went thought the same age (39-40) recently... and indeed it's a strange period. I think (and hope) I passed through... and I am still married with the same wife.


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## symphonix (Jul 14, 2004)

My girlfriend is two years older than me. I don't think there are too many fixed and fast rules on age difference in relationships, Giaguara, but as a guideline if you find yourself stepping back and asking questions about whether the age difference is "right" or "healthy" then there probably is a problem there.


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## scruffy (Jul 14, 2004)

My wife's parents are 17 years different in age - her mother was (I think) 19 when they were married.  There's definitely a difference in age between them, in how they look at things and such, but they get on fine.

For a while I dated a girl that was exactly one day older than me.  She always held it over my head that she was older and therefore much more mature than me...


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## Zammy-Sam (Jul 14, 2004)

scruffy said:
			
		

> For a while I dated a girl that was exactly one day older than me.  She always held it over my head that she was older and therefore much more mature than me...


my girlfriend still does. Any way to get rid of this beside breaking up?  ::love::


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## TommyWillB (Jul 15, 2004)

macavenger said:
			
		

> I am three years older than my Fiance. I think when it comes to what is allowable, though, of more importance than the absolute age difference, is the relative age difference. For instance, it would just be wrong for an 18 year old to be dating an eight year old on a number of levels.  Even, say, a twenty eight year old dating an eighteen year old seems a little off to me. But a sixty year old with a fifty year old would be just fine. Ten years age gap in all cases, but in some it would be ok, and in others not. I can't say where I would draw the line, though.


Right... That's the point I was making when I said "I guess there is a bigger difference between 18-28 than between 30-40."... but you said it better.


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## scruffy (Jul 16, 2004)

The cougar formula - twice your age minus seven - might be a good starting point...


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## edX (Jul 16, 2004)

i've been with the same woman for what will be 12 years this saturday. she is still 10 years older than me. it's funny how that's never changed. i kept thinking i would catch up with her 

all i can say is that no one has ever helped me to realize more of who i am and how to go about being myself. i still love her very much and wouldn't ever consider being in this relationship without being loyal. i let each day bring what it may, and so far it has brought us along together.


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## scruffy (Jul 16, 2004)

edX said:
			
		

> i've been with the same woman for what will be 12 years this saturday. she is still 10 years older than me. it's funny how that's never changed. i kept thinking i would catch up with her
> 
> all i can say is that no one has ever helped me to realize more of who i am and how to go about being myself. i still love her very much and wouldn't ever consider being in this relationship without being loyal. i let each day bring what it may, and so far it has brought us along together.



I'd drink to that, but it's 11 in the morning where I am.


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## TommyWillB (Jul 17, 2004)

Funny... I just stumbled upon a post I made in 2002 pondering what it takes to make a long term relationship work.

 Then I meandered off to muse about the _blessed_ effects of caffeine. (I've radically reduced my caffeine intake since then.)

  So scruffy, maybe it would be appropriate for us to toast edX with a "double-double".


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## delsoljb32 (Jul 20, 2004)

Had an "age difference" experience last week. had a date with a girl that was 5 years younger. turned out we had little in common, I was stumbling for conversation that would relate on a common level. I just wish I would've known before I dropped the cash for the date! Oh well, worth a shot.


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## Giaguara (Jul 21, 2004)

At least you realized it before marrying her delsojb!

Ed your relationship sounds really good. I think I know only a few couples who've been together (married or not) for a long long time and still really love each other. Looks like you'd be one of them


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## delsoljb32 (Jul 21, 2004)

Giaguara said:
			
		

> At least you realized it before marrying her delsojb!



yeah, dodged the marriage thing a couple of months ago too with "the one". The one I thought would be the last. Relationships are weird. Just when you  think you've got someone figured out, things have a funny habit of changing. But I guess that's what keeps life interesting. We also had a bit of an age difference, she was 21, I was (am) 25.


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## Giaguara (Jul 22, 2004)

Hmm... would this be the thread for asking advice for a long time problem of being in different continents? If the one you like and who likes you are in different continents and different time zones ... I can blame Apple for this ...


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## edX (Jul 22, 2004)

there is only one peice of advice for prolonged, long distance relationships. they don't work. at least not often enough to be statistically significant. yes, some do beat the odds, but there are more things working against the relationship than for it. people who are apart are changing and if they do get together eventually, they may not even be the same person that the other kept in their head over that time. 

that being said, the choice is still up to the individuals. just be prepared and you will know what you want to do given your own unique situation. that's as close as i'll come to 'giving advice' on this subject.


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## edX (Jul 22, 2004)

tommy - not sure how i missed your reply before, but you've got the right idea. i was drinking my own morning coffee when i read scruffy's reply and almost suggested the same. but i figured i really shouldn't go around encouraging caffiene addiction any more than anything else. 

so here's a morning toast to good relationships!!   (cofffeeeeeeeeeeee  )


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## Giaguara (Jul 22, 2004)

yes, coffeee... i need that in the morning and would love to bring it to him in bed... 

ive had bad experiences with long distance relationships. but this time .. i asked, and .. the rational thing was to put apple over us. before i came .. or went away, i was cying for days. he had been in london for work for 10 days, and that felt a painfully long time. i wish i could switch him over. here. or be there .. well. i don't like mixing politics to unrelated topics but if .. the result of the november elections is going to be bad, i'm just goint to swap his resume here and make him get whatever they have here for him. apple or not ...

distances suck. hugs and kisses .. and having a shoulder when you are sad. you can't replace that stuff with ichat av. and if you behave well, you are not receiving other hugs either. i sleep curled up around my toy jaguar... i'm going to make this thing work. whatever it takes. one year is a long time, and it may now be two years before .. a transfer can be asked. oh well.

10 pm. time to go home and sleep alone.


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## scruffy (Jul 22, 2004)

Giaguara said:
			
		

> yes, coffeee... i need that in the morning and would love to bring it to him in bed...
> ...
> 10 pm. time to go home and sleep alone.



You've got a big heart, Gia!  I hope it works out for you.

I started dating a girl about 9 years ago, one year before I was going to Germany for a year.  We both thought we would break up after that year when I went away; but when the time came, we both decided we didn't want to break up yet - we'd see what happened, how things worked out.  Well, we lasted the year - actually a bit more than a year; she left to Brazil for three months, about a month before I came back, so 14 months total.  Last Sunday was our second wedding anniversary.

It was hard, that's for sure.  We ran up some expensive phone bills, and wrote some long letters (twice I had to pay the small parcel rate).  Video chat sure would have helped....

We certainly were different people at the end of that year.  We both grew up a lot, but we were still people who wanted to be together.  In fact, I don't know how we would have done if we hadn't been apart for the year, maybe we wouldn't have lasted this long.  Certainly we wouldn't have been as strong as we are now.

Say, Ed - no need to worry about encouraging caffeine addiction here.  My espresso pot is supposed to make six pots, but I can't imagine having only 1/6 of that little thing in the morning.  I'd never make it out the door...


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## delsoljb32 (Jul 23, 2004)

yeah, long distance relationships are definitly hard, my most recent relationship turned into one of those when i had to move. it lasted about 5 months after that, but people do change. That's not to say that no one can make them work, but for me they just dont work. You're right Gia, people need the personal connection to make it work, having someone to talk to face to face, etc, etc. Best of luck to you though.


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## edX (Jul 23, 2004)

well then Scruffy, here's another toast to your odds defying relationship!! sound of coffee mugs clinking


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## Giaguara (Jul 25, 2004)

Well, at least it's not the first time abroad .. or apart or long distance thing for either. So so far I've had worse distances, so now Ireland/US should not be the biggest problem. The one that was Brazil/Italy - Spain/Italy, UK/Italy ended ages ago but I'm not going to let the actual relation break up. I can hope there are no too tempting geeks at Apple then .. :-/


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## SAbsar (Jul 25, 2004)

My ex was three years my senior - we met first on irc  Well, that didnt seem odd at all.. maybe because we were both fairly young (atleast where i live im young  ). Im 20. We went out for two years before she moved to islamabad (that is like 800km from karachi, where i live).


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## Giaguara (Dec 6, 2004)

Giaguara said:
			
		

> I can hope there are no too tempting geeks at Apple then .. :-/



kind of lame to quote my own thread but .. hehe. diggin old threads is fun .. and yes there are tempting geeks at apple.

so .. the age relation has changed too. no more the 2 years age difference but 5. which is not bad at all since with him i feel like i'm me 48 7 ...      ::love::


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## Zammy-Sam (Dec 7, 2004)

So, since when is it the new "5 years age difference relationship"? Not only your relationship is renewed, but also your postings seem to be like in those days. 
Hey, but it's not Dorn, right?

(man, I seem to have nothing better to do but digging in ppls private life)


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## Giaguara (Dec 7, 2004)

... mebbe ::angel::


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## Zammy-Sam (Dec 7, 2004)

hehe, got it!


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## Giaguara (Dec 7, 2004)

Yop. 
Like pretty much everybody seems to have got it at work too .. heheh..


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## Zammy-Sam (Dec 7, 2004)

They got it because you are so "renewed" or because Dorn is also around?
Or maybe because you are so tired on work because of the chat that ended few minutes before you showed up on work?


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## Dorn (Dec 7, 2004)

Zammy-Sam said:
			
		

> They got it because you are so "renewed" or because Dorn is also around?
> Or maybe because you are so tired on work because of the chat that ended few minutes before you showed up on work?



/em raises head... looks around, and smiles

Ayup.

Dorn.


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## Dorn (Dec 7, 2004)

Zammy-Sam said:
			
		

> So, since when is it the new "5 years age difference relationship"? Not only your relationship is renewed, but also your postings seem to be like in those days.
> Hey, but it's not Dorn, right?
> 
> (man, I seem to have nothing better to do but digging in ppls private life)



No worries  Pls feel free to pry.


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## Giaguara (Dec 7, 2004)

Heh ... yes and nope. I looked pretty renewed and different .. suddenly damn ENJOYING my work far far too much .. smiling all the time and could not get to bad mood (still can't) .. 
And yes, when he's around, all Apple pretty much got it.. staring at us like we'd have been together really foreer...
And nope... most of the time chatting at work .. hehe. I mean consulting .. either way .. so text, audio .. and isight (heheh) ... so from when he wakes up till late .. (say midnight here in worst case) .. used to hang here till that late before I changed the home since I didnt have internet there, now .. rather hang here since nothing beats T1 (bandwidth that is) ... (hehehe) .. oh yes, working .. just working .. ::angel::


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## Zammy-Sam (Dec 7, 2004)

God, I can see you are smiling all the time. I bet each ".." stands for a smile!


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## Dorn (Dec 7, 2004)

Zammy-Sam said:
			
		

> God, I can see you are smiling all the time. I bet each ".." stands for a smile!




I would agree  I couldn't have said it better.


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## Zammy-Sam (Dec 7, 2004)

so, how does it affect you, Dorn?


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## Giaguara (Dec 7, 2004)

yop, he's smiling too all the time ... ::angel::


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## Dorn (Dec 7, 2004)

Giaguara said:
			
		

> yop, he's smiling too all the time ... ::angel::



Yup


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## Zammy-Sam (Dec 7, 2004)

Hehe, finally I know your age, Gia! 
# I was under the impression you were older than me.
I know, women don't like talking about their age, so I won't mention.

However, happy for you two. Hope you will spend some time in the forum as well and not just talk over ichat. 

EDIT: math was never my field.


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