Smart Arse Answers

[bobw]

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a
man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat...she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."
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A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but
couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead.
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The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
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A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that read , Low bridge ahead'. Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
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A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I
won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.

 

[dlloyd]

Those are good!

 

[drunkmac]

Heh.

 

[Zammy-Sam]

 

[profx]

UNIX Airways
Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.

Air DOS
Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on...

Mac Airlines
All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.

Windows Air
The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.

Windows NT Air
Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.

Linux Air
Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other
airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "You had to do what with the seat?"


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A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doing?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

 

[Ricky]

My stepmom is a real-estate agent. At dinner one night, she was talking about a new client...

Stepmom: "...So that will work out just fine. Then I'll need to take my client to.. uh--"
Little brother: "...to the cleaners? "

 

[profx]

These are a couple of the pics i've collected recently from email.

the pavement ones are really clever! I've got more but can only post 5 at a time...

 

[dlloyd]

profx: I've heard the one about the airlines before, it's good . Those images are good too!

 

[ora]

A very old one but some may not have seen it:
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At a recent computer expo (Comdex), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "if GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to a gallon.

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating by one Mr. Welch himself:

If General Motors had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would accept this, restart your car and drive on.

4. Occasionally executing such a maneuver as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart. In which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". Then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun; reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on 5% of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would be replaced by the 'general car default' warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say 'Are you sure?' before going off.

10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to purchase a deluxe Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary) even though they neither need them or want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the cars' performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover GM would become a target for investigation by the justice department.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to relearn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You'd press the "start" button to turn off the engine

 

[dlloyd]

I've seen that one before . There are some new ones in there that weren't in the versions I've read before though...

 

[Giaguara]

the linux airline sounds like ryan air.

and it should include red hat airline;
otherwise like the other linux airlines, but once they would have some customers, this cheapo airline company would start selling only premium class tickets.