Best newspaper headlines of 1999

JetwingX

JetwingX

iWork for Apple <3
1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say

3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case

5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

6. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

7. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

8. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

9. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

10. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead

11. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

12. Miners Refuse to Work After Death

13. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

14. Stolen Painting Found by Tree

15. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

16. War Dims Hope for Peace

17. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

18. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

19. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

20. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

21. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space

22. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

23. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
 
The front page of my hometown paper would read "Cat stuck in tree, rescuers risk life to save" and I am not kidding
 
for my own sake i am saying that this joke is not ment for children under the age of 13 (admin please don't hurt me :eek: )







Harold is 82 and having some prostate problems. After examining him,
the
doctor gives him a specimen jar and says, "Take this home with you,
and try
to produce a semen specimen. Stop by tomorrow and drop it off so I
can run a
few tests."

Harold takes the jar and heads home. The next day, Harold comes in
and asks
to speak with the doctor. When he is taken into the office, the
doctor asks
how he made out.

"Not good, Doc." Says Harold. "I went home and tried to do what you
said. I
tried with my right hand 'til it was cramped from the arthritis...no
luck. I
tried with my left hand, until I had blisters...still no luck.

"Then I asked my wife to help me out, so she tried with her left hand
and
then with her right hand...no luck. She even tried with her mouth.
She tried
with her teeth in, and she tried with her teeth out...still no luck.

"Then we called Edna, next door, to see if she could help..."

"Good Grief man!" exclaimed the doctor,"You asked your next door
neighbour
to help you?"

"Yep." Says Harold, "Couldn't none of us get the lid off that jar."
 
A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road.

The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from
the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask.

The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it
and put it away.
"Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor.

"Sure, after the police leave," replied the attorney.
 
hey xaq, what is the sticky note prog u are using from the desktop shot on your homepage? I like, would be cool at work.
 
As captain obvious flies through the door and smacks me in the face there are chants of "newbie" echoing the streets....

well, maybe if I oopened my eyes I would have known that. thanks a ton.
 
well mac user are nice enough to just keep comments like "Newbi" in there head (unless the person deserves it) i said it in my head but not on text see.

o0
0o
o0
0o
:D
 
While cruising at nearly forty thousand feet, the airplane shuddered
and Mr.
Benson looked out the window.

"My gosh!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"

Other passengers left their seats and cam running over; suddenly the
aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded
on the
other side.

The passengers were in a frenzy now, and even the flight attendant
couldn't
maintain order. Just then, the tall, smiling pilot came out from the
cockpit
and assured everyone that things would be okay. His words and his
demeanor
seemed to calm most of the passengers who sat back down while the
captain
slowly made his way to the back. He then, calmly took a few packages
out
from under some seats and handed them to the flight attendants. Each
crew
member slipped the pack on their backs.

"Say!" spoke an alert passenger. "Aren't those parachutes?"

The captain nodded and said they were.

The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to
worry
about!"

"Their isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're
going to
get help."
 
30 Things Guys Want Girls To Know!!
1. We're not as perverted as you think we all are.
2. No matter what YOU say, your ex-boyfriend IS an ass hole.
3. We like you to give us hugs and kisses sometimes too.
4. Don't argue with us when we call you beautiful.
5. Don't treat us like shit. What goes around comes around.
6. We know you're pretty, that's one of the reason's we're going out with you.
7. Don't go into detail about your period. It scares us.
8. If you have cramps and we ask you what's wrong, just tell us it's that time of the month and nothing more.
9. If you really liked us for us, you would let us think that our mustache, beard, or sideburns looked cool.
10. We never shave our legs. So get over it.
11. NEVER ask us if you can put makeup on us. It's just wrong.
12. Don't make bets about us, because one of your friends will tell us, if you don't.
13. When we tell you that you're not fat, believe us.
14. We absolutely do not care about the Backstreet Boys, *NSYNC, 98 Degrees, or what any other guy looks like for that matter.
15. We may not be able to pee accurately all of the time, but at least we can stand up and go pee.
16. Just cause you think you're always right, doesn't mean that you don't have to apologize when you do something "wrong."
17. You expect us to say and do sweet things for you, but it would be nice if you did the same every once in a while. We like to know that you love us.
18. We can't always be spontaneous, so try to help us make the plans sometimes.
19. Don't ask us to beat up another guy for you, cause you might get what you wish for.
20. Never kick us in the nuts "just to see what we would say". That's just mean.
21. Never pretend like you are going to break up with us and laugh when we believe you.
22. Pamela Anderson's boobs aren't fake anymore, but we like yours better anyway.
23. Size doesn't matter, except to idiots who don't want a relationship.
24. PMS is not an excuse.
25. If you want us to put the seat down when we're done, you should put it up when you're done.
26. Don't tell us how cute your ex-boyfriend was. That doesn't turn us on.
27. And always remember: The way to a guys heart is through his stomach.... and maybe...oh never mind.
28. NEVER ask us to kiss other guys. You might be that comfy with your friends, but to us it's just wrong.
29. We always notice how funny it is after your rip out our heart, stick it down our throat and still want to be friends.
30. And last but not least: We know you're not always right, but we'll pretend like you are anyway.
 
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