Jokes - thread (for saving your day)
- Thread starter Giaguara
- Start date
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What the heck is wrong with you? You think I don't* know how to fry a couple of eggs?
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving!"
"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What the heck is wrong with you? You think I don't* know how to fry a couple of eggs?
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving!"
brianleahy
Colonel Panic
A young woman is met at the airport by her parents, who are excited at the prospect of meeting her new fiancee.
As their daughter steps off the plane, they are stunned by the sight of the man on her arm - a towering shaman, resplendent in feathers and beads and a bone through his nose.
The girl's mother turns to her daughter and says "You idiot!! I said 'a RICH doctor'!!"
As their daughter steps off the plane, they are stunned by the sight of the man on her arm - a towering shaman, resplendent in feathers and beads and a bone through his nose.
The girl's mother turns to her daughter and says "You idiot!! I said 'a RICH doctor'!!"
A rich businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.
"Welcome to the family," said the man. "I'm so happy, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."
The son-in-law interrupted. "Oh, um, I actually hate factories. Can't stand the noise."
The father-in-law said, "Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."
"I hate office work, too" said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."
"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"
"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."
"Welcome to the family," said the man. "I'm so happy, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."
The son-in-law interrupted. "Oh, um, I actually hate factories. Can't stand the noise."
The father-in-law said, "Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."
"I hate office work, too" said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."
"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"
"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."
scruffy
Notorious Olive Counter
A young woman was backpacking in Ireland, and one day when she was staying in a small village, decided to go for a walk in the hills. She set out, walked all morning, until she came to a small, beautiful fern-covered valley. There she sat down to eat her lunch.
Suddenly a voice from underneath her called out "Begorah, ye've caught me! Only get up off me and I'll let you have yer wish!"
She leapt to her feet in alarm, to find she had sat directly on a napping leprechaun.
"All right, I'd like a million bucks."
"Eh, lass? Ye'll have to speak up, I'm a bit hard of hearing."
"GIVE ME A MILLION BUCKS."
"Done and done."
In a flash, the leprechaun was gone, and she was surrounded by ducks as far as she could see. The ducks were startled to find themselves suddenly brought from their various ponds, and flew up in all directions. Before long, she was sitting alone, covered in feathers and duck poop. Some enterprising ducks had even eaten up her sandwiches.
After cleaning up as well as she could, and a considerably less pleasant walk back, she arrived, famished, at the village pub. She went in, sat down, and ordered a big bowl of hot soup and a beer.
As she was waiting for her food, a tiny little man, no more than a foot and a half tall, came into the room from a cupboard under the stairs, clambered onto the piano bench, and began to play beautifully.
"I must be going mad" she said to the barman, "Earlier today, I thought I saw a leprechaun, then a million ducks ruined my jacket and stole my lunch, and now there's a man less than two feet tall playing the piano."
"Ah," said the barman, "you've met Deaf Kirk. He's powerful in magic, but as deaf as a stone. If you ever get a wish from him again, make sure to write it down."
"You've met him too? Thank heaven, I though I was losing my mind."
"Oh yes. You think I would have asked for an eighteen inch pianist?"
Suddenly a voice from underneath her called out "Begorah, ye've caught me! Only get up off me and I'll let you have yer wish!"
She leapt to her feet in alarm, to find she had sat directly on a napping leprechaun.
"All right, I'd like a million bucks."
"Eh, lass? Ye'll have to speak up, I'm a bit hard of hearing."
"GIVE ME A MILLION BUCKS."
"Done and done."
In a flash, the leprechaun was gone, and she was surrounded by ducks as far as she could see. The ducks were startled to find themselves suddenly brought from their various ponds, and flew up in all directions. Before long, she was sitting alone, covered in feathers and duck poop. Some enterprising ducks had even eaten up her sandwiches.
After cleaning up as well as she could, and a considerably less pleasant walk back, she arrived, famished, at the village pub. She went in, sat down, and ordered a big bowl of hot soup and a beer.
As she was waiting for her food, a tiny little man, no more than a foot and a half tall, came into the room from a cupboard under the stairs, clambered onto the piano bench, and began to play beautifully.
"I must be going mad" she said to the barman, "Earlier today, I thought I saw a leprechaun, then a million ducks ruined my jacket and stole my lunch, and now there's a man less than two feet tall playing the piano."
"Ah," said the barman, "you've met Deaf Kirk. He's powerful in magic, but as deaf as a stone. If you ever get a wish from him again, make sure to write it down."
"You've met him too? Thank heaven, I though I was losing my mind."
"Oh yes. You think I would have asked for an eighteen inch pianist?"