The Daily Joke thread!

Lessthanmighty

A never ending cycle...
Ok.... school has started up again, and now everyday I have about 45 minutes of computer time. Since there is only so much that I can do on these comps, I have decided to post a joke everyday from now till the end of the school year. I will do my best to keep it updated.

You are encouraged to help me out. More than one joke a day is good. So please, for the sake of my sanity... plz post a joke at least once a week. Okay? So here we go.

You're A Redneck Jedi When
1. You use the force to cheat at fishing, bowling, and long-distance spitting.

2. More than half the droids you own don't function.

3. The number of blasters you own exceeds your I.Q.

4. You wonder why Luke and Leia never got married.

5. You used a carbon-freezing chamber to store the 78 Wampas you shot while vacationing on Hoth.

6. Your moonshine is made on the moon.

7. You don't like wearing a Jedi robe because it prevents access to the dip stored in your back pocket.

8. Sandpeople back down from your mama.

9. You've used Jedi mind control to talk your way out of a DUI.

10. You've strangled people with the force because they laughed at your accent.

11. You built an outhouse over the Sarlaac.

12. You've argued with a Jawa over scavenging rights to a broken droid.

13. A Wookie has told you that you need to shave.

14. You've wrecked several landspeeders while lighting cigarettes with your lightsaber.

15. You don't think the Ewoks are primitive.

16. You've gone AT-AT tipping.

17. Jabba's pig guards think you have a hygiene problem.

18. You consider your lightsaber the ultimate bug zapper.

19. The Rancor monster refused to eat you.

20. You discovered that your greatest enemy is, in fact, your father, who also happens to be your brother.
 
lol
(PG-13)


A woman walks into a bar and notices a good-looking cowboy.

She approaches him and asks, "Is it true what they say about men with
BIG
feet?"

He replies, "It sure is Ma'am. Would you like to come to my place and
find
out?" She sees no harm and decides to spend the night.

The next morning as he is waking up he notices the lady placing a
hundred
dollar bill on his nightstand.

"Wow, I'm flattered. No one has ever paid me for my services," he
says.

"Don't be," she replies. "Use it to buy a pair of boots that fit!!!"
 
(Also PG-13)
Two cowboys from Texas walk in to a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking beer and talking about current cattle prices. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the cowboys looks at her and says, "Kin ya swaller?"

The woman shakes her head, no.

"Kin ya breathe?"

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head.

The cowboy walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her panties and quickly gives her butt crack a lap with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked, that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the cowboy walks slowly back to the bar and takes a drink from his beer.

His partner says, " Ya know, I'd heard about that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seen nobody do it."
 
Courtesy of Yahoo.com:

"A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

"The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: 'My friend is dead! What can I do?'

"The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: 'Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.'

"There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: 'OK, now what?'"
 
Sorry I havent posted anything in a couple of days. There is something fishy with the new look of the site. Its getting better. Hopefully this will work.

THE MAN CODE!!!
1. Thou shall not rent the movie "Chocolat"

2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.

3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.

5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call BULLSH*T. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)

7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.

8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.

9. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.

10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.

11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

12. Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.

13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem, you didn't see nothin'.

15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.

16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.

17. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

18. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.

19. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.

20. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

21. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

22. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.

23. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting:
"Yeah, baby, push it!"
"C'mon, give me one more! Harder!"
"Another set and we can hit the showers."
"Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?"

24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

25. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.

26. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she's withholding sex pending your response.

27. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.

28. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not, unless you are gay.
 
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