Age differences and relations

Giaguara said:
As well, is it ok for the man to have a girl 10 or 20 years younger than him, but that situation be "not ok" if the woman is the older one?
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Well, my experiences are pretty far from the norm, but since you asked...

I met my first wife when I was 16. She (at the time) was 26 and a teacher at my high school. We were friends first, then more than friends... made high school interesting, that is for sure.

When I graduated we moved in together. We lived together for about a year and a half before getting married. We stayed married for 9 years (I was 29 when we separated).

I was happy during that time, and I would classify the relationship as both happy and successful for all but the last year of it. There were quite a few reasons for the end, but the root cause in retrospect was in fact the age difference. She had reached a point of being very insecure with who she was and how old she was... specially in relation to my age. I imagine that my age kept me unaware of her mid-life crisis, so I was constantly treating the symptoms rather than addressing the issue.

As I am now close to the age she was then, I'm not all that sure that I would have spotted the problems even if I was older. I don't seem to be facing the same crisis of age that she did.

I am currently remarried to a wonderful woman who is two years younger than me. This just happen to be the person I fell in love with. I dated a broad range of women when single (up to 12 years older than me in one case). So it wasn't like I was looking for a distinct age range when I found my wife.

As I would consider the way my ex-wife reacted out side the norm... and it was out side the norm for her too at the time, I don't think I would hold up the end of my first marriage as a case study in any respect. Every body is different and is going to react differently. The age difference may have been the cause, but it's foundation was an insecurity that could have ended the marriage even without the age difference.
 
Wow. :)

Lots of different age stories ... Well well. Age is a number and it matters more how you use your age than what it is.

I guess it is weird that earlier it didn't bother me so much if the guy was older than me (say 6-9 y older). I enjoyed them being a bit older. Maybe now my Peter Pan syndrome is getting simply worse ... and I guess, if I was free, I would not be shocked if I liked someone even 10 years younger than me now. But I trust people when in love, and I don't want to bug around doing wrong things so it all has to be no more than a thought.
 
RacerX, I went thought the same age (39-40) recently... and indeed it's a strange period. I think (and hope) I passed through... and I am still married with the same wife.
 
My girlfriend is two years older than me. I don't think there are too many fixed and fast rules on age difference in relationships, Giaguara, but as a guideline if you find yourself stepping back and asking questions about whether the age difference is "right" or "healthy" then there probably is a problem there.
 
My wife's parents are 17 years different in age - her mother was (I think) 19 when they were married. There's definitely a difference in age between them, in how they look at things and such, but they get on fine.

For a while I dated a girl that was exactly one day older than me. She always held it over my head that she was older and therefore much more mature than me...
 
scruffy said:
For a while I dated a girl that was exactly one day older than me. She always held it over my head that she was older and therefore much more mature than me...
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my girlfriend still does. Any way to get rid of this beside breaking up? ::love::
 
macavenger said:
I am three years older than my Fiance. I think when it comes to what is allowable, though, of more importance than the absolute age difference, is the relative age difference. For instance, it would just be wrong for an 18 year old to be dating an eight year old on a number of levels. Even, say, a twenty eight year old dating an eighteen year old seems a little off to me. But a sixty year old with a fifty year old would be just fine. Ten years age gap in all cases, but in some it would be ok, and in others not. I can't say where I would draw the line, though.
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Right... That's the point I was making when I said "I guess there is a bigger difference between 18-28 than between 30-40."... but you said it better. :)
 
i've been with the same woman for what will be 12 years this saturday. she is still 10 years older than me. it's funny how that's never changed. i kept thinking i would catch up with her :D

all i can say is that no one has ever helped me to realize more of who i am and how to go about being myself. i still love her very much and wouldn't ever consider being in this relationship without being loyal. i let each day bring what it may, and so far it has brought us along together.
 
edX said:
i've been with the same woman for what will be 12 years this saturday. she is still 10 years older than me. it's funny how that's never changed. i kept thinking i would catch up with her :D

all i can say is that no one has ever helped me to realize more of who i am and how to go about being myself. i still love her very much and wouldn't ever consider being in this relationship without being loyal. i let each day bring what it may, and so far it has brought us along together.
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I'd drink to that, but it's 11 in the morning where I am.
 
Funny... I just stumbled upon a post I made in 2002 pondering what it takes to make a long term relationship work.

Then I meandered off to muse about the blessed effects of caffeine. (I've radically reduced my caffeine intake since then.)

So scruffy, maybe it would be appropriate for us to toast edX with a "double-double".

:D
 
Had an "age difference" experience last week. had a date with a girl that was 5 years younger. turned out we had little in common, I was stumbling for conversation that would relate on a common level. I just wish I would've known before I dropped the cash for the date! Oh well, worth a shot.
 
At least you realized it before marrying her delsojb!

Ed your relationship sounds really good. I think I know only a few couples who've been together (married or not) for a long long time and still really love each other. Looks like you'd be one of them :)
 
Giaguara said:
At least you realized it before marrying her delsojb!
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yeah, dodged the marriage thing a couple of months ago too with "the one". The one I thought would be the last. Relationships are weird. Just when you think you've got someone figured out, things have a funny habit of changing. But I guess that's what keeps life interesting. We also had a bit of an age difference, she was 21, I was (am) 25.
 
Hmm... would this be the thread for asking advice for a long time problem of being in different continents? If the one you like and who likes you are in different continents and different time zones ... I can blame Apple for this ... :D
 
there is only one peice of advice for prolonged, long distance relationships. they don't work. at least not often enough to be statistically significant. yes, some do beat the odds, but there are more things working against the relationship than for it. people who are apart are changing and if they do get together eventually, they may not even be the same person that the other kept in their head over that time.

that being said, the choice is still up to the individuals. just be prepared and you will know what you want to do given your own unique situation. that's as close as i'll come to 'giving advice' on this subject. :D
 
tommy - not sure how i missed your reply before, but you've got the right idea. i was drinking my own morning coffee when i read scruffy's reply and almost suggested the same. but i figured i really shouldn't go around encouraging caffiene addiction any more than anything else. :D

so here's a morning toast to good relationships!! :) (cofffeeeeeeeeeeee :eek: )
 
yes, coffeee... i need that in the morning and would love to bring it to him in bed... :D

ive had bad experiences with long distance relationships. but this time .. i asked, and .. the rational thing was to put apple over us. before i came .. or went away, i was cying for days. he had been in london for work for 10 days, and that felt a painfully long time. i wish i could switch him over. here. or be there .. well. i don't like mixing politics to unrelated topics but if .. the result of the november elections is going to be bad, i'm just goint to swap his resume here and make him get whatever they have here for him. apple or not ...

distances suck. hugs and kisses .. and having a shoulder when you are sad. you can't replace that stuff with ichat av. and if you behave well, you are not receiving other hugs either. i sleep curled up around my toy jaguar... i'm going to make this thing work. whatever it takes. one year is a long time, and it may now be two years before .. a transfer can be asked. oh well.

10 pm. time to go home and sleep alone. :(
 
Giaguara said:
yes, coffeee... i need that in the morning and would love to bring it to him in bed... :D
...
10 pm. time to go home and sleep alone. :(
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You've got a big heart, Gia! I hope it works out for you.

I started dating a girl about 9 years ago, one year before I was going to Germany for a year. We both thought we would break up after that year when I went away; but when the time came, we both decided we didn't want to break up yet - we'd see what happened, how things worked out. Well, we lasted the year - actually a bit more than a year; she left to Brazil for three months, about a month before I came back, so 14 months total. Last Sunday was our second wedding anniversary.

It was hard, that's for sure. We ran up some expensive phone bills, and wrote some long letters (twice I had to pay the small parcel rate). Video chat sure would have helped....

We certainly were different people at the end of that year. We both grew up a lot, but we were still people who wanted to be together. In fact, I don't know how we would have done if we hadn't been apart for the year, maybe we wouldn't have lasted this long. Certainly we wouldn't have been as strong as we are now.

Say, Ed - no need to worry about encouraging caffeine addiction here. My espresso pot is supposed to make six pots, but I can't imagine having only 1/6 of that little thing in the morning. I'd never make it out the door...
 
yeah, long distance relationships are definitly hard, my most recent relationship turned into one of those when i had to move. it lasted about 5 months after that, but people do change. That's not to say that no one can make them work, but for me they just dont work. You're right Gia, people need the personal connection to make it work, having someone to talk to face to face, etc, etc. Best of luck to you though.
 
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