Favorite Joke

RacerX

RacerX

Old Rhapsody User
posted by AdmiralAK in another thread in a completely different section
PS: feel free to make jokes :p
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A man walks into a nightclub with a beautiful girl on his arm.
The show begins and the comedian comes out for his first show of the evening.
The comedian says, “A man walks into a nightclub with a beautiful girl on his arm. The show begins and the comedian comes out for his second show of the evening.”
The comedian says, “A man walks into a nightclub with a beautiful girl on his arm. The show begins and the comedian comes out for his third show of the evening.”
Just then a man in the front row stands up and says, “I think I’ve heard this before.”
The comedian says, “Maybe you caught my first show of the evening?”
The man says, “No, I just got here.”
The comedian says, “That’s strange, there was a guy here the first show of the evening walked in here with a beautiful girl on his arm. Looked just like you. Could have been your twin brother.”
The man says, “Mv twin brother is dead.”
The comedian says, “What is this, a wake?”
The man says, “.I don’t have to stand for this.”
So he stands up and walks out of the nightclub.
The comedian says, “Are you out there? I can hear you breathing.”
The man says, Un holding my breath.”
The comedian says, “Well I’m holding your wife.”
The man says, “That’s not my wife.”
And he walks back into the nightclub with another beautiful girl on his arm.
“Whose that woman I’m seeing you with,” asks the comedian.
“This is my wife,” says the man, “that other lady is my dead twin brother’s wife. You can take her if you want her.”
The comedian says, “Not unless you say please.”
Just then a man walks into a nightclub with a tatoo of a beautiful girl on his arm eating elbow macaroni. The comedian says, “Is that girl Italian?”
The man says, “No just hungry.”
Just then a man comes riding into the nightclub on a pony with a feather in his cap.
“What do you call that?” asks the comedian.
“An entrance!” says the man, “but nevermind that, just get me a beer and get my pony a jockey.”
The bartender says, “I think that pony’s had enough already.”
“Well make it a short jockey then,” says the man, “and while you’re at it get that lady’s lawyer some briefs.”
The lady stands up and says, “I think I can defend myself, your honor.”
The lawyer says, “But I'll defend her honor, your honor.”
The judge says, “Well make up your mind, honor or off her.”
The lawyer says, “Definitely honor, your honor, that’s the best offer I’ve had all day.“
The judge says, “Well, take it or leave it.”
The comedian says, “Well, couldn’t we just drop it.”
The man says, “Well. you better drop leaflets before you bomb.”
The comedian says, “Well, I’m already bombing.”
The man says, “Well maybe it’s your material?” ,
The comedian says, “What, you don’t think it fits?”
The tailor says, “Uh, well, it could be let out a little.”
The comedian says, “Uh, how much will it cost me?’
The tailor says, “Uh, I’ll charge you an arm and a leg.”
The comedian says, “Couldn’t we put it on the cuff?”
The tailor says, “I’ll tell you what I’m gonna do. I’ll make you the suit and I'll only charge you an arm. And a beautiful arm it is!"
So the comedian agrees. So the tailor makes the comedian a suit and he chops off his arm as payment.
The tailor calls up his girlfriend to go out on the town to celebrate. The tailor calls on his girlfriend. Gives her the beautiful arm as a gift. She wears it around her neck like a stole and they go out on the town. A man walks into a nightclub with a beautiful arm on his girl. The show begins and the one-armed comedian comes out for his last show of the evening. He does his act. The audience stands up and gives him a hand.
 
Got lost like a quarter of the way into the joke but I got it at the end.

Here is one:

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder...

This is how it goes: I decide to wash the car, I start toward the garage and notice the mail on the table.

OK, I'm going to wash the car. But first I'm going to go through the mail, I lay the car keys down on the desk, discard the junk mail and I notice the trashcan is full.

OK, I'll just put the bills on my desk and take the trashcan out, but since I'm going to be near the mailbox anyway, I'll pay these few bills first.

Now where is my checkbook? oops, there's only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk. Oh, there's the coke I was drinking. I'm going to look for those checks. But, first I need to put my coke further away from the computer, so maybe I'll pop it into the fridge to keep it cold for a while.

I head towards the kitchen and my flowers catch my eye, they need some water. I set the coke on the counter and uh oh! There are my glasses, I was looking for them all morning!

I'd better put them away first.

I fill a container with water and head for the flower pots- -Aaaaaagh! Someone left the TV remote in the kitchen. We'll never think to look in the kitchen tonight when we want to watch television so I'd better put it back in the family room where it belongs.

I splash some water into the pots and onto the floor, I throw the remote onto a soft cushion on the sofa and I head back down the hall trying to figure out what it was I was going to do?

End of Day: The car isn't washed, the bills are unpaid, the coke is sitting on the kitchen counter, the flowers are half watered, the checkbook still only has one check in it and I can't seem to find my car keys!

When I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY LONG!!!

I realize this is a serious condition and I'll get help, BUT FIRST I think I'll check my e-mail...
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Originally posted by deez_nuts
Wow... my philosophy is that if a joke is that long... and I have to read it. Why waste my time.
Click to expand...

:confused: Why not let your computer read it to you? That what I do for any of the longer post. Besides it lets me walk away from the computer and do other things while letting the computer read it.

Ill just go kick someone in the ballz and let him squirm. NOW THATS FUNNY!
Click to expand...

You're just one classy guy.
 
Originally posted by testuser
God tells St Peter that things are quite busy in Heaven at the moment...
Click to expand...

Very good:

A PANDA is walking through Soho,a very seedy part of London. He's walking by all the sex shops and eventually plucks up the courage to walk in and treat himslef.

He asks for a lady who likes big hairy guys, and is promptly shown upstairs to Sharon. When he walks into the room, she asks him, "would you like any food before I start on you? You'll need the energy!" After hearing that, the Panda is really excited and accepts a sandwich graciously. He wafts the food down quickly and throws himslef onto the bed.

As they're getting down to it, he gets over excited and comes early. Satisfied with his own performance, he ups and starts to head for the door.

"Hey, don't you know what it says under the dictionary for PROSTITUTE? Recieves PAYMENT for sexual services?" She asks

"Yeah" The Panda replies, "don't you know what it says under PANDA?" She looks puzzled...

"eats, shoots and leaves"
 
There was a man who wants to rob a bank. He entered there and asked with showing a paper at the counter to rob the bank. The girl said that she couldn't read the paper. Then the man sorted from the bank and makes a more readable paper and has gone to another bank and robed it with success.
 
I heard that as a true story, a little differently. In London, I think.

A robber approached the teller casually, flashed a gun and passed over a slip of paper demanding all the money in a paper bag.
The teller wrote 'I don't HAVE a paper bag'.
The robber shrugged his shoulders and left.
 
This may not be a JOKE, but i dunno... what do ya think...

A Windows User eyes a new piece of eye candy, the new iMac. He orders one as soon as possible. He waits patiently for a month, while they are being made and also waiting for a buyer for his Windows based PC. When iMacs start shipping, he worries that nobody will buy his PC, resulting in him having to sell the iMac.

There are 2 ends to this joke...

1) Someone graciously buys his PC, he pays it off, and lives a happy Mac life!

2) Someone doesn't buy his PC. He immediately has to sell his iMac to pay IT off! Oh no! Stuck with WINDOWS FOR YEARS TO COME!

Which one depends on however you want the user... either to suffer or be changed forever!
 
Wheeling?

How weird... I live 8 miles from a town called Wheeling... it's in West Virginia

(looking at the riddle, it seems like something someone from there would do :D)
 
WOW! It appears that this thread went bottoms up. I cant believe out of all the people here, no one can think of anything funny. Well here I come to save the day. (mighty mouse theme)

Whats big, purple, and lives in the ocean.
Moby Grape!

Wow that was bad. These jokes are horrible. Why do I read the back of the laughy taffy. These were sent in by six years olds. I think im going to cry.
 
Are blonde jokes offensive to you guys? Because I've got a couple very funny ones :). But I wont tell them if there are any blondes would would be offended.
 
I seriously doubt that anyone would care. Not that I am a blonde, because they are dumb;) , but no one cares. Let'em rip!:D
 
Hello!

Here is a good one:

A rich man was dying and called his doctor, minister, and lawyer to the hospital room. Over the years people had warned him that he could not take it with him and he was determined to take some of it with him.

He gave each one of them $250,000 in cash with the instructions that they should place it in a package and put it in the coffin just before burial. At the funeral each one dutifully tossed the package into the coffin just before it was lowered into the grave.

Afterwards the minister confessed that needs at the orphanage were extensive and he had taken out $10,000.

The doctor then confessed that he had removed $20,000 for the new children's hospital.

The lawyer then said: 'I'm appalled at your lack of ethics! I placed my personal check for the full amount in the coffin!'

:D
 
ok, while we're on lawyer jokes, i found this one -


A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial -- a grandmotherly, elderly woman.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do now you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney was also surprised and shocked.
At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you creeps asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt."
 
Hehe thats a good one Ed. Heres a blond joke.

15 blondes walk into a bar holding something in a frame. They put it down on a table and they all walk up to the bar to order drinks.

Once they have their drinks they sit down and one of them procedes to say "cheers to the puzzle!". They all cheer, drink and start chanting "60! 60! 60! 60! 60! 60!...."

The bartender heard their toast and he starts to get annoyed by their loud chanting, so he goes over to their table and sees that in the frame there is a cookie monster jigsaw puzzle. Suprised, the bartender asks "what are you girls chanting about".

The blondes quiet down and whisper to each other. Finally one of them giggled and said in an excited tone.

"On the box it said 2-4 years.... we finished it in 60 days!"


:D

I like that one a lot :) I just thought of two more good jokes, but they might be better suited to the cus thread. :)
 
Q: What's the definition of "a shame"?
A: A busload of lawyers drives off a cliff.
Q; What's the definition of "a crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.

--------------------------------------------------

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were stranded on a little island a kilometer from the shore. No one was around, and they had no hope of being rescued even though they were pretty close to the shore.

So the brunette decides to try and swim to shore. She swims and swims, and gets out about 100 meters, but gets tired, and is forced to swim back.

Then the redhead attempts. She gets farther out than the brunette -- about 400 meters -- but also gets tired and barely makes it back to the island.

So the blonde tries. She almost makes it to the shore -- she got 900 meters to the shore. But she got tired... and swam back.
 
Nummi - are a blonde?

What do you call 7 lawyers an the the bottom of the ocean?

A good start.
 
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