Jokes - thread (for saving your day)

Wow. For some really weird and silly reason I actually find that really cool. I've always admired Apple.
 
A policeman pulls Heisenberg over for speeding.

Cop: Do you know how fast you were going, sir?

Heisenberg: No, but I know exactly where I am.
 
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are sharing a hotel room at a conference. During the night, the curtain in their room catches fire from the heater. The engineer is the first to smell the smoke and wake up. He sees the fire, and then the ice bucket on the table by the bathroom. He grabs the ice bucket, fills it with water, and pours the water on the curtain. Satisfied that the fire is out, he goes back to sleep.

A few hours later, the coffee maker in the room has a short circuit, and sets the table on fire. The physicist smells the smoke and wakes up. He sees the fire, and then the ice bucket on the table by the bathroom. He grabs the room service menu and a pencil from his bedside table, does some quick calculations, then fills a the ice bucket 1/3 full of water. He unplugs the coffee maker, and puts out the fire with exactly the minimum amount of water. Satisfied that the fire is out, he goes back to sleep.

An hour later, the heater sets the curtains on fire again. The mathematician wakes up. He sees the fire, and then the ice bucket on the table by the bathroom. Satisfied that a solution exists, he goes back to sleep.
 
Found this one on the web:

On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the
coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the
Popemobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man, wearing a pinstriped Yankees jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot white shark.

As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three men wearing Boston Red Sox jerseys aboard. One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side. The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious Yankee fan from the water. Then using
(autographed Nomar) baseball bats, the three heroes in red beat the
shark to death and hauled it into the boat also.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there was some bitter hatred between Red Sox and Yankee fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not the truth."

As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies "Who was that?"

"It was the Pope," one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and
has access to all of God's wisdom."

"Well," the harpooner said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know sh*t about shark fishing... How's the bait holding up?"
 
From Microsoft webpage...

The original picture is from Getty images, attached too. . :D
 

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So how did Renée Descartes pass away?

It was closing time and the 'tender asked "one more for the road Renée?" to which Descartes answered "I think not." and he wasn't.
 
One night in Vienna, a moody young man (an afficionado of lace shirts, tight black trousers, and French brandy) was walking near a cemetery.

He was roused from his thoughts of unrequited love and carrion birds by the sound of strange and eerie music coming from the middle of the graveyard. Curious, he approached the sound, which came and went on the wind. It was a piano piece that was at once disconcertingly familiar, and unlike anything he had ever heard.

As he picked his way past the tombs (which were older and more moss-covered as he got nearer the music), he realized why the music was both so familiar and so strange - it was backward. It was the overture to the Marriage of Figaro, but it was being played backward, and very elegantly at that.

Just as he realized this, he rounded a mausoleum, and there in the centre of the cemetery, was Mozart, decomposing.
 
An old one, which I have on a tee-shirt:

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

"Make Me One With Everything."
 
Heavily censored dirty joke:

A huge, tough, mean looking biker enters a bar. He sits in the middle of the bar and growls "Give me a whiskey!" He slams down the drink, then turns to the six men at his left:

"You guys down there! You're all [obscene insult]!! You hear me? Anyone got a problem with that?"

None of them says a word or moves a muscle.

"Another whiskey!" he roars. The bartender quickly pours him another shot which he swallows in a flash.

Now he turns to the six men at his right and yells: "And you guys over there! You're all [different obscene insult]!! Anyone got a problem with that?!?"

For a moment nobody moves, then one of the six, a meek looking fellow, stands up and begins walking toward him.

The biker grabs the meek guy by his collar and yells into his face "Hey! You got a problem with what I said?"

"Oh no," the meek guy says. "I'm just sitting at the wrong end of the bar."

(Not one naughty word folks! Still, if you feel like you need to censor it, I understand...)
 
brianleahy said:
An old one, which I have on a tee-shirt:

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

"Make Me One With Everything."
Click to expand...

The hotdog man gave the Buddhist his hotdog, and said "That'll be $1.50"

The Buddhist gave the hotdog man a twenty, which he wordlessly took and put in his cashbox. After a moment the Buddhist said "Where's my change?"

The hotdog man replied "Change must come from within"
 
Giaguara said:
From Microsoft webpage...
The original picture is from Getty images, attached too. . :D
Click to expand...

I am just wondering if anyone can figure out what computer the lady in the Getty picture is using?
 
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