Post your BAD M$ joke

C

culo77

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Well i hope you get a laugh out of it????

Three women are sitting in a bar talking about their love lives.
The first one says,
"My husband is an architect. When we make love it has power, it has form, it has function. It's incredible!"
The second one says,
"My husband is an artist. When we make love it has passion, it has emotion, it has vision. It's wonderful!"
The third woman sighs and sips her margarita, then says,
"My husband works for Microsoft. When we make love, he just sits at the end of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when it gets here."


Q: How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We can see no need for uninstallation and have therefore made no provision for light bulbs to be removed


Q. What's the difference between Microsoft Windows and a prostitute?
A. A Microsoft Windows goes down on you for free (and more often):confused: :confused: :confused: :confused:
 
Microsoft Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except Papa's mouse.
The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,
As Papa did last-minute Internet shopping.

The stockings were hung by the modem with care
In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of computer games danced in their heads.

Quake III for Billy, and Quicken for Dan,
And a Pokemon game for Pamela Ann.
The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom,
To: santaclaus@toyshop.northpole.com

Which has now been re-routed to Washington State
Because Santa's workshop has been bought by Bill Gates.
All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle
To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.

After centuries of a life that was simple and spare,
St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire,
With a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh,
And a house on Lake Washington that's just down the way

From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens
In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.
The elves have stock options and desks with a view,
Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.
No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums
Will be under the tree, only compact disk ROMS
With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive,
Because Christmas now requires at least Win95.

More rapid than eagles the competitors came,
And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
"Now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too,
Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you are all of you through!"

"It is Microsoft's SANTA that the kids can't resist,
It's the ultimate software with a traditional twist.
Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,
And on the package is a picture of Santa himself."

"Get 'em young, keep 'em long, is Microsoft's scheme,
And a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream.
To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!"

And Mama in her 'kerchief and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
The whir and the hum of our satellite platter,

As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky,
The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.
As I sprang from my bed and was turning around,
My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.

And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates
Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.
And I heard them exclaim in voice so bright,
"Have a MICROSOFT CHRISTMAS, and TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!"
 
Three Apple engineers and Three Microsoft Employees are traveling by
Ê train to a conference. At the station, the three Microsoft employees each
buy tickets and watch as the three Apple engineers buy only a single
ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Microsoft
employee.
"Watch and you'll see", answers the Apple engineer.
They all board the train. The Microsoft employees take their respective
seats, but all three Apple engineers cram into a restroom and close the
door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting
tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with aÊ ticket in
hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Microsoft employees saw
this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the Microsoft employees decide to copy the Apple
engineers (as they always do) on the return trip and save some money (being
clever with money and all that). When they get to theÊÊ station, they buy a
single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Apple
engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed
Microsoft employee.
"Watch and you'll see, " answers an Apple engineer.
When they board the train the three Microsoft employees cram into a
restroom and the three Apple engineers cram into another one nearby.Ê The
train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Apple engineers leaves his
restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Microsoft employees are
hiding.
He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please...
 
I dont know if this falls under the category of a joke or a pick up line (I seriously hope its a joke though :p).

I was talking to a (girl)friend of mine and she says "all you men are the same! YOu are like ocmputers, I do something and right away you crash and I have to alt-cntl-del you! :mad: " --- so I tell her "well not me, I am a mac user, we never crash, thus no alt-cntr-del" lol :p
 
1.Computer are like air conditioners, they stop working when you open Windows

2. Bill Gates in heaven :rolleyes:

When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him
to his house; a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds and a tennis court.
Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of
Heaven.

One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into
a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.

"That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?"

"Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got
here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking
a beautiful hill, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, and
three Rolls Royces."

"Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates.

"No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic."

Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter.

Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How
could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a
mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? _I invented the
Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better??!!!!"

"Yes, but we use Windows," replied Peter,
"and the Titanic only crashed once."
 
Bill Gates died. He went to be judged, and God said "See, this is very tricky. You invented Windows, thus giving people an operating system other that apple's, but it crashes so much. I will then let you choose now whether go to heaven or hell. You will stay a day in each of those locations."

"Ok." said Bill.

The first day he went to hell. There was a beautiful beach with beautiful women there. The second day he went to heaven. There were angels with harps, but Bill liked the women better. So he said, "I'll go to hell."

After a week, God found the billionairre screaming for help. So he asked, "What's the matter?"

"This is not what i've seen when you took me on the tour!" screamed Bill. Fire and burnt sausages streamed out of a hole in the black, sooty ground.

"Hahaha! That was just a DEMO!" smirked God. :D
 
posted by AdmiralAK

I was talking to a (girl)friend of mine and she says "all you men are the same! YOu are like ocmputers, I do something and right away you crash and I have to alt-cntl-del you! " --- so I tell her "well not me, I am a mac user, we never crash, thus no alt-cntr-del" lol
Click to expand...

Actually, I remember exactly how to reboot a crashed Mac from when I used to work on them in school.

"cntr-apple-reset", tada! And yes, they would crash a lot! So much in fact that "cntr-apple-reset" was taped to every Mac so the user would know what to do when it did!

I never owned a Mac before OS X so I never payed attention to Mac forums such as this one, but before OS X, how did you guys make fun of Windows because quite frankly, OS 9 and everything before it really sucked! I wont even get started on the hardware before Jobs's return in 97 but it was pretty MacNasty as well.

You had a reset button on your keyboards for christ sakes, does that not tell you anything?!?! :D

And then there was the orignial iMac. Hockey puck mice and elfin keyboards. How you brave souls surived is a testament to the endurance of mankind.

Yes, I've been forced to use these Ungodly awful computers at the college when all the PCs are taken in the computer commons. OS 9 and those cute little "bomb boxes" are so much fun! And if it's not that, OS 9 is telling me to close an application because I'm low on memory, even thought 192MB is installed.

Thank God you atleast have OS X now and some descent hardware to run it on. Before that, owning a Mac was like make believing you were a computer user. :p
 
Originally posted by azosx


Actually, I remember exactly how to reboot a crashed Mac from when I used to work on them in school.

"cntr-apple-reset", tada! And yes, they would crash a lot! So much in fact that "cntr-apple-reset" was taped to every Mac so the user would know what to do when it did!

I never owned a Mac before OS X so I never payed attention to Mac forums such as this one, but before OS X, how did you guys make fun of Windows because quite frankly, OS 9 and everything before it really sucked! I wont even get started on the hardware before Jobs's return in 97 but it was pretty MacNasty as well.

You had a reset button on your keyboards for christ sakes, does that not tell you anything?!?! :D

And then there was the orignial iMac. Hockey puck mice and elfin keyboards. How you brave souls surived is a testament to the endurance of mankind.

Yes, I've been forced to use these Ungodly awful computers at the college when all the PCs are taken in the computer commons. OS 9 and those cute little "bomb boxes" are so much fun! And if it's not that, OS 9 is telling me to close an application because I'm low on memory, even thought 192MB is installed.

Thank God you atleast have OS X now and some descent hardware to run it on. Before that, owning a Mac was like make believing you were a computer user. :p
Click to expand...

This doesn't sound like an M$ joke to me. :rolleyes:
 
Originally posted by simX


This doesn't sound like an M$ joke to me. :rolleyes:
Click to expand...

My bad. Why did M$ cross the road? To get to the other side and eat up the last 3% of market share that was Apple. *rimshot* :D

Honestly though, threads like this only farm ignorance and close mindedness and contributes to Mac vs PC flames down the road. Windows users as a whole don't bash Macs or Apple. Is it market share envy that brings out this silliness in Mac users? I dunno.

If some of you actually ran Windows 2000 or XP Professional on some descent PC hardware, maybe you'd see it's a hell of a lot better than OS 9 and just as good or better than OS X in a lot of ways.
 
azosx - i can understand your perception if the only exposure you have had is on campus macs. They are always pitifully low on ram, the apps are never alotted enough memory, and apps/system versions are normally so old that they still have beta bugs in them. Whenever i have had to use a campus mac (on any campus i've been to), they are so poorly maintained and screwed up that they are are often worse than the pc's. a big reason is because the campuses hire people who know what to do with the pc's (normally at least 80% of the 'puters) and figure they're smart enough to figure the mac out when they need to. They rarely get updated from the time they are setup and they are always 'stock' - no extras. The last time i used a school computer, i was the one who had to install acrobat reader on it!!

i could never wait to get home to my 'real mac' experience!! and yes, all my macs have experienced crashes over the years. but the reset button is so much better for dealing with them than turning the power off. At least the only thing i lost was my unsaved work. plus, once you learned how to adjst memory allotment in apps and upgraded your ram, even most of those disappeared. sure, somebody was always writing a program that conflicted with another, but that was rarely hard to find and fix. Conflict catcher often made it a breeze.

so until you have run one of the previous mac systems on a proper mac-chine that was set up by a real mac user, you are getting a distorted picture. probably as distorted as my experience using campus pc's as opposed to one you set up. ;)
 
Originally posted by Ed Spruiell
azosx - i can understand your perception if the only exposure you have had is on campus macs. They are always pitifully low on ram, the apps are never alotted enough memory, and apps/system versions are normally so old that they still have beta bugs in them. Whenever i have had to use a campus mac (on any campus i've been to), they are so poorly maintained and screwed up that they are are often worse than the pc's. a big reason is because the campuses hire people who know what to do with the pc's (normally at least 80% of the 'puters) and figure they're smart enough to figure the mac out when they need to. They rarely get updated from the time they are setup and they are always 'stock' - no extras. The last time i used a school computer, i was the one who had to install acrobat reader on it!!

i could never wait to get home to my 'real mac' experience!! and yes, all my macs have experienced crashes over the years. but the reset button is so much better for dealing with them than turning the power off. At least the only thing i lost was my unsaved work. plus, once you learned how to adjst memory allotment in apps and upgraded your ram, even most of those disappeared. sure, somebody was always writing a program that conflicted with another, but that was rarely hard to find and fix. Conflict catcher often made it a breeze.

so until you have run one of the previous mac systems on a proper mac-chine that was set up by a real mac user, you are getting a distorted picture. probably as distorted as my experience using campus pc's as opposed to one you set up. ;)
Click to expand...

Fair enough, my PB at home runs great, but I thought the Mac was supposed to out of the box and running in 10 minutes flat, no memory allotment in apps, upgrades and other setups required? Also, you didn't need a CIS major to set one up. If I didn't know any better, it would almost sound like you're discribing a PC!

The same can be said for PCs. You buy a $999 special Gateway whatever with generic hardware and bitch about how much Windows sucks when it crashes.

Spring the cash for a BTO machine with good hardware, throw a copy of Windows 2000 on it and you have a machine more stable than anything. Linux has crashed on me more that Windows 2000. Windows 2000 has actually never crashed for me. Neither has OS X.

Don't get me wrong, the jokes don't bother me, I just like to stir things up. :p
 
Haven't seen windows 2k crash? You need to stop by my office :)

And, it's not due to bad hardware, most of our desktops are $5k high end workstations. It all has to do with the OS not being able to handle apps that blow up. We have memory hogging apps (they use about 1G for the app on a good day) when they blow up, windows can't handle it, and very shortly we'll get a nice BSOD. Also we've had problems with different video cards causing our boxes to crash randomly. Hell, we've even opened up per incident support with MS, and had them return our money cause they couldn't find out what the bug in W2k was that caused the crash. Ofcourse, I won't even get into the network I/O problems that they w2k boxes have.

Ofcourse, even with this, I'll take W2k, or even NT4 over linux any day of the week :)

Oh, a bad MS joke....
Why did Bill Gates cross the road?
To slap the drunk finn with a large trout.

I said it was bad, and I didn't say it was funny :)

Brian
 
Are you sure you're not running Windows NT because it's impossible to produce a BSOD with 2000 because a blue dialogue crash screen in 2000 just doesn't exist.

There is nothing you can do in 2000 to possibly create one either because that's not how 2000 handles crashes.

The BSOD is an exception error brought on top of the Windows GUI from DOS. I don't know if something similiar even exists in NT for sure.
 
Tell that to my Windows 2k boxes that get the pretty blue screens :)

It's very possible to get a BOSD on W2k and NT, and actually it's pretty easy to do.
 
Yeah... and why would M$ cross the road at all?... won't they just ask the Mac guys "What's on the other side?"

:rolleyes:
 
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